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This is me.
1. You'll never have to worry about driving illegally in the carpool lane again
2. The taste of your tongue is all I've ever needed
3. I've got a shiny new Blockbuster card waiting just for you
4. I promise not to use your back to keep my feet warm
5. I'll push you on the swings
6. I always put the cap back on the toothpaste
7. I'll stash little notes for you where you'll least expect them
8. We'll make history together
9. I'll take care of your cat when you are on vacation.
10. Sleeping alone just sucks.... period!
11. When you're around me I've got the sex drive of a 16 year old boy
12. There isn't anything I feel I can't tell you
13. I wish I could give you all of my firsts
14. All I can offer you is all of my lasts
15. You're safe with me
16. I'll wait for you even if you're late
17. I'll lick the envelope for you
18. You've seen the monsters under my bed, and you're still here
19. I'll let you sneak a taste when I'm cooking
20. I know CPR
21. I won't make you wear lame sweaters when we go to family Christmas parties
22. You fucking turn me on!
23. You love my dorkiness
24. When you are trying to keep count, I will try and mess you up
25. You're magically delicious
26. I suck at strip poker
27. I'll hold your coffee for you when you're driving
28. I'll laugh when you fart.
29. I promise not to burn the house down while you're gone
30. If you wash the car with me I promise to wear a white T-shirt for you
31. I'll make you pancakes....mmmmmm pancakes.
32. I won't bite unless you want me to
33. Sleeping in has a whole new meaning now that we are doing it together
34. I'll circle your birthday on my calendar
35. I'll cover you up and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep watching tv
36. I'll carve your initials in a tree
37. I won't swear around your family
38. I've never been Punk'd
39. I know now how to make Boogogee.
40. I come with an extended warranty
41. I'll grant you three wishes
42. I know my cat is weird.
43. I didn't vote for either George Bush
44. I don't tear the tags off my mattresses til I get home
45. I always stop to pet dogs outside of grocery stores
46. I'm a pretty happy and giddy drunk.
47. I make my own beer...and it's REALLY good.
48. I only use the rail when I walk down the stairs 30% of the time ( I love to
walk the line ya know)
49. I'll give you goosebumps with my tongue on your neck.
50. I'll make you laugh
51. I've never been in one of Pam Anderson's movies
52. I'll never under cook the eggs
53. I'll never drink your last beer
54. I can make a mean buncha pot stickers
55. I'm not a liar.
56. I can lick my ear.
57. I know that handcuffs aren't just for the cops
58. I don't recycle
59. I do know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll
tootsie pop
60. I won't steal the vicoden out of your medicine cabinet
61. I'll take care of you when you're sick
62. I'll make fun of you
63. I can give a kick ass back rub
64. I haven't been a house guest of O.J. Simpson
65. I am not a cheater.
66. I can't stand soap operas
67. I put the seat down
68. I pump my own gas
69. I'm a good listener and will keep your secrets. Shhhhhh
70. I've got cookies
71. I don't chew tobacco
72. I take a shower every day
73. I like it when you pull my hair
74. I'll let you beat me at pool (LET you cause if I try, you're going down,
actually I suck.)
75. I don't care that you have a girls night out.
76. I don't eat crackers in bed
77. I'll cook for you.
78. I have a REAL job!
79. I don't care what music we listen to in the car
80. I've never eaten a bon-bon in my life
81. When you wash the dishes it turns me on
82. I have a big butt and I am proud of it
83. My heart will jump every time you walk through the door
84. I'll save everything you ever give me
85. I won't ever forget your birthday, and remind you when mine is coming
86. You just can't stop reading this!
87. I always use my nails to scratch a lottery ticket
88. I know where to put in the oil, and have even done it
89. I'll think you're just about the coolest person I know
90. I'll make you laugh so hard that milk will fly out of your nose.
91. Why the hell is there Braille on a drive up ATM?
92. I always open a window when I paint
93. I've never been on Americas Most Wanted
94. The only drama I have any part of is on t.v.
95. I know how to make a fire
96. I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue
97. I've got no secret tattoos
98. My kisses will take your breath away
99. I don't care if you leave your socks on
100. I can't stand RAP music
101. I never drive faster than 30 mph in a school zone
102. My weird habits you'll find adorable
103. You'll sleep better when I'm next to you
104. I'd fuck Brad Pitt too
105. I'll thank you every time you open the door
106. I'll never waste your love
107. I'll laugh at every joke even when it's not funny (but only in public -
when we're alone I'll tell you if it's not funny)
108. I'd never give you shit in front of your friends
109. It gets better every time
110. Use as much salt as you want I don't care
111. I won't ever let you leave for work in the morning without your lunch
112. I'll help you find your keys
113. I don't stop and ask for directions either
114. I don't have a big brother, so you don't have to worry about getting your
ass kicked ever
115. We can watch your movie first
116. I also run my own business.
117. I once ate a bug
118. I eat red meat
119. I'll help you clean the house perfect every time your mom comes over
120. I think we need to watch Kung Fu! Do you like Kung Fu?
121. I like it when our hair gets messed up
122. I donate blood every chance I get.
123. My family is just as fucked up as yours
124. I don't want to get married any time soon
125. I like horror movies
126. I smell pretty good (Kind of Armani)
127. I don't litter
128. When I can I give to charity
129. I can be ready in 10 minutes or less
130. I lose at arm wrestling every time
131. I look both ways before I cross the street
132. I never look directly into the sun
133. I know how to drive. And I do it well.
134. I'm not a virgin
135. You're hotter and more hilarious than anyone I know
136. I never want to be famous.
137. I'll even dance with you.
138. I like it when you call me a asshole in bed
139. I can balance a check book
140. I'll help you not to forget your moms birthday
141. I would never yell "fire" in a crowded theatre
142. I'm really good at sneaking food into the movies
143. I was the second grade spelling bee champ
144. I'll never say 'nothings wrong' when there really is
145. I can hold your hair back when I get sick, if you want
146. I've never cried over spilt milk
147. I have never stabbed anyone in the eye
148. I can count to 100 by 5's
149. I've never smuggled drugs out of the country
150. I don't care if you eat dinner without a shirt
151. I think it's hot when you masturbate
152. I never overload the washer
153. What else have you got to do?
154. I know that whipped cream goes on more than sundaes
155. I've never auditioned for American Idol
156. I don't eat yellow snow
157. I like it when you talk to your friends about me in bed
158. My sunday morning breakfasts will change your life
159. My chin fits 'just right' in your shoulder when you hold me close
160. I'll understand if you get jealous
161. I'm just that good
162. I never had sexual relations with Bill Clinton
163. You're getting very sleepy...
164. I've never been on Jerry Springer
165. I may have already won $10,000,000.
166. You won't be able to get me out of your head
167. I know that sticks are better than automatics
168. I'll let you drive every time if you want
169. I buy a new toothbrush every time the blue wears down
170. I know that objects in the mirror are bigger than they appear
171. I'll send you Flowers
172. I've never gotten caught lip synching on SNL
173. I have a $3.24 credit at PayLess Shoes
174. I never leave the engine running while I'm pumping gas
175. I never run with scissors
176. I've taken the Coke/Pepsi challenge and won
177. Almost every time I have a winning bottle top
178. I know how to keep a secret
179. If you spell something wrong I just think it's cute
180. I've never failed a survey
181. I can almost every time find Waldo
182. I never put my fingers in the light socket
183. I'm a Libra.
184. I have all my shots
185. It's okay, I know my tongue scares you.
186. I'm pretty damn funny.
187. I'm not a doctor and I've never played one on t.v. either
188. I don't care if you eat off my plate
189. None of my friends are girls I used to have sex with
190. When you're sleeping I'll always try to be quiet
191. I have never run out of gas (well I just fucked myself there now, didn't
I?)
192. I know the difference between they're, their, and there
193. You really kinda would dig having someone to cuddle with on the couch
194. I know how to get stains out of sheets
195. I know how to leave you satisfied and hungry for more every time
196. I'm really good at making lists
I can count higher than infinity
I am the reason Waldo is hiding
I once hooked power lines to my testicles and powered the city of Phoenix for a week.
I once considered moving Romania 400 miles off the coast of Japan, but soon realized he'd have nothing to fill the hole in central
Europe
I poop puppies.
I can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Crop circles are my way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures I allow to live.
When I was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Uncle Philly!" Then she had had sex with me. At that point, she was the third girl I had slept with.
When I go to donate blood, I decline the syringe, and instead I request a hand gun and a bucket.
I coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after I ate every last unicorn in existence.
When I jump into a body of water, I don't get wet. The water gets me instead.
I am the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
I once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
You are what you eat. That is why my diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by me, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when I punched myself in the face.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects I could use to kill you, including the room itself.
I can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
I once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. I just yelled at my TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear
When I do a pushup, I'm not lifting himself up, I'm pushing the Earth down.
It takes me 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
The only time I cried, is when I ate a box of orphans because Taco Bell was closed.
I once fried an egg on the sidewalk in the winter.
I'm is actually Amish. My horse-drawn carriage has spinners and a bitchin' stereo.
I'm a mathematical impossibility.
I once crapped out a full-scale model of the Titanic.
Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of me. I just like to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the
Arctic researchers.
I know 246 ways to eat a kiwi, but only one way to skin a cat.
I got so mad after September 11th that he wrote Pink Floyd's "The Wall."
I draw circles with more than 360 degrees.
I make the Ouija board move.
I have the Ark of the Covenant in my bedside table drawer.
I was the one who thought of cutting the pizza into eight individual slices.
I am an alternate identity created by the government's most successful assassin. If you ask him about it, he will deny it, but your immediate family will be dead within two weeks.
I am responsible for the silent war between The U.S. Army Rangers and Sasquatch coming to a peaceful end.
I require an extensive barnacle scraping every 18 months or 50,000 nautical miles, whichever comes first.
I once said Beetlejuice three times, ever since Michael Keaton has had no career.
I've had a blood transfusion using synthetic motor oil.
Every time I go golfing, a dozen people never see the sun rise again.
I built the entire continent of Atlantis out of Laffy Taffy, some snap bracelets, and a bedazzler.
I can recite the bible in sign language with my feet.
I once punched a hole in a cow to see who was coming up the road.
I once had sex with a pinball machine.
I use the shroud of Turin as a hair drying towel.
I once nursed a manta ray back to health.
My most prized possessions are Walt Disney's brain and every issue of Cat Fancy magazine.
I still believe in Santa Clause and that liquid guy from Terminator 2. I want
o put them in porno films.
I trim my cat's hair with an assault rifle.
The use of Mitochondrion DNA has concluded that all of humanity split off from my genes roughly 200,000 years ago. When asked about this,
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I use a "Time Machine" to score with thousands of "Cave-bitches..."
I am what the Hokey Pokey is all about.
I only have one bowel movement every thirty years. My most recent stool is the starting shortstop for the New York Yankees.
I created the Whoopee Cushion at age 3.
I
invented the exclamation point.
I am the guy that DID frame Roger Rabbit.
I've
breast fed an armadillo back to health.
My poop is considered currency in
some South American countries.
Okay.. that maybe a little over the top. As you can tell I have a weird and
very odd sense of humor. I am in all actuality a pretty normal kinda guy.
Except I really don't have a life. You see I have my own business and I
am employed as an uber geek as well.
03/11/06
WOW let me tell you, working full time and for myself REALLY is kicking my
ass. Talk about tough. I hope it calms down a bit here and there. I come
home and want to crash the minute I walk in the door and I have another 6
or 7 hours on my other PC to get shit done for my own business. Mo' money, mo'
money, mo' money! too bad I haven't had a date sine the Carter Administration!
I have to admit though, I like my new job. I also like my own business.
I'm just glad I know how to manage and budget my time.
I now have a plan. A super plan. An UBER plan! I am implementing it as you read this.
It actually should be fun for gobs and gobs of people on the interweb. That is
if you like to chat and meet new people. So now I work on my world domination!
Right where it belongs: Nine Inch Nails.
See the animal in his cage that you built. Are you sure of what side you're
on? Better not look into closely in the end. Are you sure what side of the glass
that you are on. See the safety of the laugh you have built.
Everything where is belongs . Feel the hollowness inside of your heart. And it
all right where is belongs.
What if everything around you, isn't quite as is seems.
What if all the world you think you know, is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection, is that all you want to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks, Would you find yourself?
Find yourself afraid to see?
What if all the worlds inside of your head, just creations of your own. The
Devils and the Gods, all the living and the dead. And you really are alone.
You can live in this solution, you can choose to believe, You keep looking but
you can't find the words, Are you hiding in the trees?
What if everything around you, isn't quite as is seems.
What if all the world you used you know, is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection, is that all you want to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks, Would you find yourself?
Find yourself afraid to see?
With all the information and technology the Internet have to offer, most websites still ignore the fundamental element that drives everything --
all you sick bastages. Sick bastages to the point where you find humor in
everything. From someone else's misfortune to stupid animals.
Remove us from normal everyday civilization, thoughts, feelings and morality, and we're just a
gang of ivory apes who like to fuck, laugh, and watch things die, fuck, drink beer and
laugh at other people. And then fuck again. You like to hear all the weird
sounds like farts, belches, and anything else out of the norm, you love it when you can laugh at someone else.
You want the full meal deal. Well I am here to shove it down your
throat. I'll make you think, I'll make you laugh and I'll make you pissed. Just
enjoy it all! Because we are all sick bastages deep down.
Stop denying your instincts -- use the bulleted graphics on the top of the page
to get around. Blog is where I just rant and rave just about everything and
anything the bugs the shit out of me. Pics, well they are the pictures I love to
share. Movies are all my favorite movies. Sounds... Well duh. So click on a link
and enjoy all the digital depravity you can wrap your lips around!
Lastly, If you have any pics... ANY pics that could fall into this site please
send them. Everything from your drunk assed friends to your ex-girlfriend. Send
them!
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